Have you ever listened to yourself? I mean REALLY listened? To the things that are hidden deep inside you that you may or may not even know are there? I know over the past few years, I discovered I was so afraid to face the darkness that I didn’t even recognize it was in me.

I spent most of my time finding ways to protect myself. I didn’t think about it in that way, but I can see it clearly now. I was in a constant state of fear. Fear of what others thought of me, fear of failing, but most of all fear I wasn’t actually “good” enough. I had decided this is just who I was, a “people pleaser”.

A few years ago, something began to change in me. I began sharing my story with someone I believed could help me. As I began sharing, I gradually started telling her the darkest and scariest parts of my story. I looked deep into her eyes and where I expected to find shock and horror, I found love, sadness and deep empathy.

So, I shared more and more and when I wanted to punish and abuse myself for the ways I’ve failed and hurt others, Jesus, through the wisdom of my friend, offered me another way. This new way of life began allowing me to face things I am horrified and ashamed of, things I wanted to keep buried for life. I thought burying it was the right thing to do, but it turns out burying that stuff causes a lot of damage in our souls. It’s when I have faced all of that “stuff” and given all of it to Jesus that I have found healing and freedom.

What I know and believe with all my heart is, Jesus is waiting to redeem our very worst screw ups. And when you believe that for yourself and when you believe that for others, it is the most incredible freedom I have ever found. Now, I can nod my head and say, “Wow, I can’t believe I did that.” And when I want to punish myself, instead I begin talking to Jesus about it. “Lord, I know you want to redeem that for me and I know you want to redeem it for everyone it affected.”

Here’s something else: I quit living my life looking out for the ways that other people are failing. I know they will, they are human just like me. I’m not going to punish them anymore. Instead, I’m going to spend the rest of my days looking for and sharing the redemption of Jesus!

Here’s an example from Sunday…I was in Sacramento and a man was holding up a sign. I glanced as I pulled up to the stop sign. His sign said “F*** ‘em and smile.”

I believe because of the ways that I’ve been listening to myself, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I didn’t deny that my deep gut reaction to that man’s sign was utter disgust. I’m ashamed to say, my self-righteousness rose up in me. “How dare he write that word on a sign!” I declared. And without even pausing, I began assuming all the bad decisions he had made to put him in the place he was…a street corner in Sacramento, CA, asking for money.

Then, all of a sudden, all of the accusations I was making against this man were interrupted by the Lord. He was gently reminding me of the message my husband had just preached less than an hour earlier. Brian (my husband) shared about how Peter, for 15 years after the Resurrection of Jesus, believed that he was better than the Gentiles. And then one day, God sent Peter to the home of the Gentile man.

So there I sat, my mind filled with all these thoughts, my head turned as to avoid making eye contact with this man on the street corner with his offensive sign. And I knew in that moment that I was just like Peter had been. I was a woman thinking that I was better than a man simply because he was asking for money and holding a sign with a swear word. I had listened to stereotypes and my fears, but not to Jesus.

So I grabbed my purse, dug my wallet out, and I actually had four one dollar bills (I literally NEVER have cash). I grabbed them out as quickly as I could. The stereotypes played in my mind…

“Four dollars will not help this guy!”

“What if he spends it on drugs or alcohol?”

“What if he is dangerous? I’m just gonna roll down my window when it’s just me in the car with my kids?”

“I’ve read stories of people who make a great living asking for money on street corners!”

But I ignored all those thoughts. I knew, without hearing it audibly, that the Lord was whispering to me, “Don’t worry about any of that. I will take care of it. Just look at this man, he is My beloved. Look at him and believe he is precious to Me and that I died for Him.”

So I did. I rolled down the window, this gentleman reached in, took the money, smiled at me and said, “God bless you.”

And that’s the end of the story. Well, it’s the end of his part of the story because this story was so much more about me than him. I’m learning that my journey with Jesus really is…it’s more about Jesus and me than anyone around me. There are things hidden deep in my heart that affect my ability to love others and I don’t want them there anymore.

This isn’t a story about a man asking for money and what you should or shouldn’t do the next time you meet one. This is a story of my experience, a raw unveiling of my very human heart.

I often don’t like what I find when I allow Jesus to dig deep down inside of me, but I love that each time I face my “yuck”, I am met with Jesus’ loving eyes and empathy for me. I have a courage I never believed could be mine. This courage is not because I am a woman free from sin. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. I have courage because each time I uncover a piece of hidden baggage deep within my soul, I find there really is NOTHING that can separate me from my Father’s love!