I remember when I was young, having dreams about who I would be, what I would become, and all the successes I would have.
Remember those days?
If you are anything like me, maybe thinking back to those dreams can be painful. I have found a great deal of guilt, shame, and regret in my many unfulfilled hopes and dreams. I’ve also found that rather than feeling the guilt, shame, and regret, I want to quickly hide it by blaming others, even innocent bystanders.

“If I hadn’t have gotten pregnant so quickly I would have…”

“If I would have had a more supportive boss I’m sure I would have…”

“If I would have had more money I could have…”

I also tried spent lots of time minimizing and/or denying…

“Oh, I didn’t really care about that, that wasn’t a dream.”

“If they are going to be hurtful, I don’t care about them anyways.”

Even more devastating than blaming others and my denying my true feelings, is the anger and unforgiveness that I hold against myself.

After some deep analyzing, I have come to realize that I actually believed that if I was harsh enough with myself I would never repeat the same mistakes. I literally used to lie awake at night replaying a situation where I felt I had failed.

Often, I didn’t receive any sort of verbal feedback that the I did anything wrong. It was often me being unhappy with the way I said or did something. There were of course some circumstances where someone else voiced their disapproval of my behavior or reacted in a way made it clear what I said or did wasn’t ok. Please don’t misunderstand, I believe taking note of these things is very good. I am certain that in order to be ever-learning and growing, we must be aware of how things we say and things we do affect others. If that was all I was doing I would have acknowledged what I did wrong and moved on. However, I didn’t just take note and seek to understand where my words or actions were coming from. What I did was abuse myself.

You see, as I laid awake at night I didn’t just replay the situation. I repeated things to myself like:

“You are so stupid Danna, why did you say that?”
“I cannot believe I am such an idiot, why did I do that?”

I spent years believing that this kind of punishment of myself would surely lead to fewer mistakes and more success. Only…it didn’t.

I was so full of self hate, I couldn’t bear to hear any sort of feedback from others, even when it was delivered to me in a helpful way. I was full of anxiety and fear and found myself avoiding situations that I might fail publicly.

I was angry and on edge with those I loved the most and felt the safest with. There was anger with our kids for simply doing things kids do…when they made a mess, when they fought, when I was doing all the cooking and cleaning. I was angry ALL.THE.TIME.

I surrounded myself with friends who told me the things about myself I could handle…the good. They couldn’t speak truth into my life because my self-hatred was so intense I had no capacity to hear that I may have other areas where I can learn and grow.

This leads me back to all my hopes and dreams. All I ever wanted to be was a good wife and mom and to love others no matter where they are in their journey. What I thought would make me better actually stole from me all capacity to fulfill my dreams.

I thought I was alone in this- that I was the only one who abused myself in this way. As I began talking to others about it, I realized, however, that I am not alone.

I want you to know, what I thought would push me to become the person I wanted to be, I’m discovering has done just the opposite. It was destroying me.

I’ve begun talking to the Lord about the ways I’ve failed and who I want to become. I know without a doubt He has forgiven me and has no desire to punish me. Forgiving myself, though, hasn’t come as easy. It’s very hard to overcome something you believe has made you successful. Even though I’ve been working on it for a while now, just recently, I caught myself doing it again. I am disappointed in myself for what I believe was a recent failure, I realized I was feeling anxious and fearful about a situation and as I began to ask the Lord what my fear and anxiety was about, I realized how disappointed in myself I am. It’s not fun to realize you’ve disappointed yourself, and yet, I truly believe it is the beginning of freedom.

I really want to encourage you to pay attention to the ways you’ve disappointed yourself. What do you say or do when you let yourself down?

I don’t deserve the abuse I lay/laid upon myself and sweet friends, and neither do you!  None of us deserve abuse, we are humans who make mistakes, some intentional, some not. But because of Jesus, forgiveness and freedom can be ours!!!