Well, here we go.

For months, now, I have felt led to start a new blog.  In that same time-frame, several friends have been encouraging me to write.

I’ve hesitated because I’m not the most gifted writer…just ask my hubby, he edits for me often 🙂

But there are a few compelling reasons that I am finally writing.

First, I believe that the Lord has done and continues to do incredible things in my life and I want others to know so that He will be glorified.  Second, I want everyone to know how much the Lord desires to work in their lives too.  Third, I want our children to grow up understanding and knowing that they can give Jesus their hurts and failures and that He can redeem anything they lay at His feet.  Finally, I want to shout from the mountaintops how utterly crippling self-abuse and self-hatred are and how much distance they put between us and Jesus Christ.

Seem like good enough reasons to start writing again? 😉

See, for as far back as I can remember,

1.  I wanted to be good

AND

2.  I wanted to be a mom

Well, I’ve lived quite a few years being both now…I suppose the “be good” part is debatable but the “Mom” piece certainly isn’t.

I gave birth to our first daughter just over 14 years ago.  Her birth was followed by twin boys and another little girl all in just over 3 years.  Whoa! 🙂
Our next 9 children joined our family via adoption over the last 7 years. (We didn’t slow the trend much, did we? 😉 )

Admittedly, it would be a whole lot of fun to share with you all the things that I believe make me a good person.  However, if you’re anything like me, you’re getting your fill of that in your FB News Feed every day.

So here’s the thing.  I want the words written on this page to offer hope.  Hope, despite all  the ways that we all fail each day (even after we begin to follow Jesus).  There IS hope for us to change.

See, in my 20 plus years as a Christian, I truly thought that being a Christ follower meant I would be entirely free of sin—I at least needed to present myself that way.  Or maybe, yes, we would share semi-vulnerable struggles, like, “Please pray for me, I gossiped the other day”.

I would say the reason I wasn’t vulnerable was because it was not a practice I was very familiar with. I would also say it was because I honestly had no idea what was going on inside of me.  I do know I’ve always wanted desperately to be honest and real, so I would share with some close friends that I was struggling.  That usually was in the form of “My son or daughter is doing _____, I’m really struggling with it, would you please pray for me?” or “My husband and I got in a fight, would you please pray for us?”  Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t think these statements are wrong.  However, for me they were a shift of the blame.  I was not in each of those situations asking the Lord to show me what role I played in it.  I was blaming my husband and children for making my life hard and venting about it to gain sympathy from others.  Yes, I did want prayers but I’m ashamed to admit I wanted the Lord to change my children and husband.  I had no desire to face that I may need to change!   I would say this was definitely true when it came to my children, it was after all MY  job to “fix” them, right??  I didn’t have any of the “major” (in my opinion) sins on my list, which allowed me to live in my state of self-righteous denial even longer.  As I said, I worked very hard at being “good” and I reminded myself of all the good I had done and was doing.  This was to cope with the pain I knew I was attempting to cover up.

I was generally able to manage my issues without hurting anyone other than myself, until I became a Mom.  As my kids got older, my anger suddenly began erupting out of me.  It was quite shocking.  I had decided as a child I wasn’t going to get angry with my kids (as if it’s that easy, right???).  I read my Bible and I asked the Lord to help me.  I memorized verses about anger.  I asked the Lord for forgiveness and my kids too.  Still, I couldn’t stop.  And because I didn’t know a single other person talking about this, I assumed that I was the problem.  That I was such a terrible mom that even the Lord couldn’t fix me.  This belief that I was the problem became more certain to me when I began reading adoption books.  I agreed completely with all I read about connecting with my children when they needed correcting.  However, in the heat of the moment, I had no idea how to overcome MY hurt and MY anger.  I had no idea how to “connect” with them when I was hurting so badly.  I was so angry with myself because I understood that my precious babies had lived through horrific things yet my understanding wasn’t enough to stop my  anger.

I was the parent, I was supposed to have it all together so I worked overtime trying to control my children so at least it appeared I did in fact, have it all together.  Behind the closed doors of our home and our hearts, it was very dark.

I don’t know what your area of sin and struggle and brokenness is.  What I do know is that we like to rank them, and yet, all that does is get in the way of the beautiful relationship Jesus longs for us to have with Him and others.

Maybe you’re someone reading this post and you have not yet found the courage to face the pain, wounds, and baggage from your past.  My hope and prayer for you is that these words on this page, along with you knowing and feeling that you are not alone, will help give you that courage.  The courage to step into it, meet Jesus in the midst of it, and allow Him to go to work healing you and making you whole.

Maybe you’re someone who has already started working through your pain, wounds, baggage, and the ways you have failed.  If that’s you, I’m so thrilled and I think you are VERY brave!  If you’re willing, we would love to hear and share your story here, along with my own, asking the Lord to use our journeys to be part of what He uses to help others.